The Music Has Left Me...

I'm back. For a while maybe? I don't know. A lot has happened. Life changing type of stuff. Career, love, family ... all of it. Lots has happened. So much that I can't even bring myself to articulate the whole *ordeal right now.

Perhaps I'll leave that book length of a post for another day.

For right now, lets just say what the subject suggests. The music has left me. My guitar lays in my room gathering dust - every once in a while, I pick it up and sing to myself songs that I jam all the time: U2's "Running To Stand Still", Hootie's "Let her Cry", Sheryl Crow's "Strong Enough", Live's "Dolphin's Cry", Muse's "Time Is Running Out" and sometimes I try to play some of my old songs. But it feels contrived. Like I'm trying to push for something that's not there anymore.

Has the music left me? The strength and satisfaction I used to derive from putting pen to paper and belting tunes (covers or my own) just doesn't seem to be there anymore.

And that's a sad thing.

A Train Running Through My Mind.

What happens with you when you have a deluge of thoughts / concerns running through your mind? I guess what ensues are all the standard symptoms:

1. Can't sleep.
2. Disconcerted feeling in your head like a headache that just won't go away.
3. Become boring / uninteresting / moody company
4. So on and so forth.

Sometimes I look at the peers who are contented being where they are, happily ignorant of opportunities surrounding them and utterly at ease with who they are and how they will be. To put it a little crudely, they are like the Cave Men in Plato's Cave. All they see are their shadows on the wall and that is their only truth. When one of them figures out that all his life, he has actually only been seeing the shadows, would that make him happier than the guy who doesn't?

A more recent example would be The Matrix's RED PILL or BLUE PILL. 

Sometimes I really wish I was more of the Blue Pill guy. The guy who's happy just looking at the shadows. But alas, I'm not. It's like I'm doomed to walk down the 'realer' road all the time. Thus subjecting myself to all the 'real' pain involved.

Oh well. I'm just waffling. I been doing that a lot these days.

I'm out.

"They just don't understand me..."

I'll make this short.

You know  how people always say, "My Family just doesn't understand me." 
The way I figured it, that statement should be, 
"My Family just doesn't understand me the way I want to be understood."

My stance has always been this: your family will always know you in a way you will never begin to comprehend till the day you have a family of your own. Even then, some people just never figure that out.

But there are times, when you do feel like you're left out hanging on a lurch when it comes to family. That's undeniable. I've felt that way for a while now. Especially with my current career endeavours. For the first time in my life, when I try to consult anyone in my family about what I want to do or what I am doing, I see a truly blank expression or a idle glaze spread across their faces. I mean, I get the generation gap stuff, but I didn't think that would apply to my current path of career of start-ups etc.

Everytime I've tried to get some sort of input on an idea I have or just my overall plan - I usually get, "You don't have to explain yourself to me. As long as you know what you're doing..."

I guess that means I have to know what I'm doing then innit?

Of Life / Writing & Short Films

of Life / Writing ...

I was on the verge of abandoning this blog. However, recent events and a fair amount of soul searching has launched me into the act of blogging again. Who knows how long I'll keep at it this time. But one thing's for sure, this particular entry is likely to be a loong one. :)

I haven't sat down to write anything that is non-work related in yonks. Take my entry dated Sept 21st 2007, that 'potential play' in the making. I never got further than what you see in that entry. I haven't been writing blogs, stories, plays, ideas, songs for so long - I'm not even sure if I can anymore. The last thing I wrote was the song I wrote for Anrie. And that was during the early bits of us dating. We've been together 1yr & 8mths now. Based on that timeline, the last time I wrote anything 'creative' is likely to be at least 1 yr ago!

That sucks.

I haven't done any acting either, which I miss terribly. Since I finished Frankenstein In Love in Nov 2006, I have had to turn down - 3 musicals, 2 acting gigs on TV, and 1 play simply because I don't have the time. I have managed possibly 2 open mics which sustained my appetite for a bit but at the end of the day, I still end up missing doing the things that I love.

Which brings me to my regular dilemma, passion or stability? This is a common problem that I suppose many people have so I realize I'm nothing special at this juncture. But the point is that I have been struggling with this idea for the longest time. It has influenced all of my choices for career and life. I took up TV production and did my stint at Popiah Pictures right after I graduated because I loved movies and film and acting - doing Production seemed like the logical choice!

But when I found that Production is kinda like Philosophy and Literature. It's all fascinating and terribly intriguing to appreciate it but once you have to depend on it as a source of income - it becomes a whole other ball of yarn. Don't get me wrong, I still love it and wanna be a part of TV/Film Production but I want to do it on my own terms. How, when, who etc...will be determined when I figure that out.

Thats when I decided to accept Joel's offer to work in YouthMalaysia.com. Being a young start up company with loads of potential - it's the perfect training ground for me to do new things, learn new skills and figure out how to apply all that I learn to what I want to do. The pace is not as crazy as it was during my stint with Popiah but its been dawning on me that its just as all consuming. The best way to put it would be: If Popiah was a 100 metre sprint to the finish line, working at YM.com is like 10 km marathon. And what I'm discovering is I don't have that much stamina to keep going as strong as I would like.

There are ups and downs. As cool, noble, fun, exciting and perfectly sound the situation I find myself in right now with YouthMalaysia.com is - the inescapable truth is that: "This ain't it yet." There's something missing. I don't feel the vibe or the mojo. Or at least, I haven't made it my own yet. And that's a problem.

However, therein lies the heart and soul of my problem. I'm not sure exactly what it is I want to do. It's not clear cut like I want to be a lawyer or an actor. I could try and make it clear cut by just deciding that what I'm doing is the proverbial 'it'. Unfortunately, sometimes that's not the way it works.

Perhaps my next blog entry will be a list of things I want to be able to do for a living. And upon putting it all down, then maybe something will click. Who knows?

of Short Films ...

I have just recently completed and submitted my 2nd short film ever made. And its also for BMW Shorties. The plan was to continue making shorts after the 1st one but I guess I let work get in the way. However, when I heard that Shorties was coming up again - I decided what the hey... and I went ahead and did it.

I have to say though, unlike the first one, I didn't pour in my entire heart & soul into this one. I treated this more as an escape for the claustrophobia I was suffocating in not being able to do the things I love. That being said, I absolutely loved the creative process I opened myself to while doing this. I absolutely went with the flow and just let the creativity river take me where it wanted to go! Unlike the last one in which I had a very specific idea and I was being very ambitious.

This time, I just picked 3 interesting people. 3 people who don't really know each other. I put them all in a situation like '1 guy trying to go out with 2 girls' and then I let their characters bounce off each other. It was that simple. And I have to say, I love what I came up with. Should know what becomes of it with regards to the competition in another month or so. But honestly, I am just glad I made the Short. :)

I'll post it up here when I figure out how to do that. Or YouTube it. I'll keep y'all updated on that.

The CommonJack signs out.

Dear Friends,

If you received a SMS from me about a party being held on Dec 22nd, Saturday. Kindly take note of the details above & below.

For those of you who didn't receive a text from me about what you will read below, please don't feel slighted. :) Space is limited. However, if you're bored and have nothing to do and you feel like coming, give me a call and let me know first. ;)

RSVP by 18th Please!

Potential play in the making?

Ok. I've been thinking about it for the longest time. I've been wanting to write a play. Pitch it to someone to direct (or direct it myself if I have to) - and stage it. But I haven't felt strongly enough about any subject matter or idea to commit myself to the act of sitting in front of my lappie to write it. But 2 nights ago, lying awake at 3 ish am. Unable to sleep - I suddenly felt a flurry of ideas fill my head making it even more difficult for me to get any shut eye. So, I put a small portion of what was in my head in a word document.

What I did that night, I will post below - have a read - tell me what you think. Is it interesting enough to keep you watching?
_______________________________________________________

DREAMS - a potential play in the making.

Characters: Protagonist: Kit
Protagonist’s love interest: Elizabeth

Story skeleton (Tentative):
Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Life happens – tears boy and girl apart.

Monologue:(As audience settles in the dark - they hear a voice)

In Shakespeare’s Macbeth, it was quoted that sleep and dreams are the chief nourishers of life’s great feast. Everybody dreams. If you think you don’t – you do too. You just don’t remember them. That happens.

I read on the internet that there used to be a Greek God by the name of Asclepios. There were temples built in his name all over the ancient Greece. People would travel great distances to his temples to heal themselves.

One such person was a woman by the name of Arata. She was suffering from Edema or Dropsy as it was formerly called. Arata’s Mother went to one such temple and begged Asclepios to cure Arata. Arata’s Mother slept in the temple and had the following dream:

It seemed to her that Asclepios cut off her daughter’s head and hung up her body upside down. Out of it came a huge quantity of fluid matter. Then, Asclepios took the body down and fitted the head back on the neck.

After she had seen this dream, Arata’s Mother went back home, miles away, where she found Arata in good health; she too - had the same dream.

Lights come on to reveal - Stage bare except for a tombstone in its centre.

TV’s strategically placed around theatre(off stage but where all audience can see) showing protagonist (tentatively named: Kit).

KIT: Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you could look into someone’s dream? I find myself wondering what it would be like. But as with most things, I think it’ll be subjective dependent on the person doing the dreaming.

Take Eliza for instance. You see her don’t you? (Image on TVs change to that of Eliza lying in bed, sleeping) She’s lying in bed right this moment. And at right this moment, she’s dreaming of me.

She dreams me dead. I don’t blame her.

Lights go soft as Elizabeth enters stage. Till she stands facing the tombstone.

EL: Now you’ve gone and done it. You happy now? Bloody idiot. Stubborn mule. You just had to do it. I wasn’t enough. All your promises and sweet words, all gone. Like they never happened.

Elizabeth stops – unable to continue talking – clearly very sad – on the verge of breaking down.

KIT enters stage: But KIT’s voice comes from TVs’.

KIT: Eliza was the one. I knew it the moment I laid my eyes on her and I was proved correct when I started talking to her. And then she did me the utmost honour by allowing me into her world. As screwed up as I was when I met her, she always saw the best in me and she always brought the best out of me.

Everything that was ‘wrong’ with me was ‘right’ to her and when someone embraces your flaws with as much ease as they would your good qualities – you become ‘perfect’ to them. And that was how I appeared to her in her dreams – ‘perfect’.

Back to the stage:

KIT: Hi.

EL: I hate you right now. I wish I never met you. (EL is visibly distraught now.)

KIT: I don’t blame you. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such an ass. I’m sorry for causing you pain. I’m sorry for every wrong I’ve done to you. You deserve better. You deserve more. I definitely don’t deserve you. I love you in a way I never thought I could and that’s a gift you’ve given me that will live in me always. For that, I have to thank you.

Then KIT walks over to EL and hugs her. But she does not return the hug. She just stands there.

KIT then exits stage: KIT on TV resumes talking.

KIT: She definitely saw the best in me. In real life – I would never have said or done what you just saw me do in her dream. In real life, I was good at one thing. Running away, turning my back. When I made a mistake, a really big one, I wouldn’t do the right thing and apologize. Because to me, apologizing wouldn’t make up for my mistake. Better to just walk away.

But sometimes, all a person needs to hear is, “I’m sorry.”

_______________________________________________________

So how? What do you think? Cool opening? Lame? Got you interested?

I'm out.

Wear Sunscreen.

A Baz Luhrmann song from a while back entitled Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) has a lot of corny and cliched lines of 'advice' that I would normally scoff at if told to me. But being dispensed in the form of a chill out song and the smooth soothing voice of good ole Luhrmann himself somehow managed to make those cliched pearls of advice easier to swallow. And everytime I listen to that song, I think to myself,

'Yeah - I do look good. I don't need a six pack. And Yeah I don't have to worry about the future. And Yeah, I should forget the insults and remember the compliments. And Yeah, I should be more mindful of what I do with my knees, bend down to pick heavy stuff up - don't f*ck up my back. And I shouldn't feel guilty that I don't know what to do with my life, that makes me interesting!' and so on and so forth.

However, there are 2 lines in particular that never fail to jump out at me and stay in my mind.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

This line basically always strengthened my resolve to not give a rats ass about someone if that someone just stresses me out more often than necessary. You can't please everyone right? People make mistakes. But recklessness is not to be misconstrued as mistakes. They are not the same. Mistakes are forgivable. Recklessness - well - a string of recklessness is not.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

This line is the 2nd one that never fails to jump at me. What holds people back? Its fear. Thats it. If you say its your parents, then its probably because you're afraid of disappointing them or afraid of angering them. If its life, then you're just afraid to live. And thats a sad way to go about life. There are always ifs and what nots. And if you really want to think about those, then life would probably become an endless chore.

Caution: Corny paragraphs coming up.

Its definitely easier to just focus on what you want. I don't believe people who say they don't know what they want. People like that are usually people who want a lot of things and just don't know which to choose. Like me. There are 2 ways to deal with that, either you spend your whole life thinking about which option to attempt first OR make a list and then go for it. I'm not saying go into it blindly, but think of the pros and cons and be willing to accept both aspects of your choice.

Some people get stuck on the pros and cons part and spend a lot of unnecessary time thinking if they can accept the cons. If that happens, I suggest - look at the pros. If its exactly what you want. Go for it. Cause if you don't know whether you can accept the cons after spending weeks on end thinking about them, then you probably won't be able to figure it out no matter how much time you spend on them. Every experience is never a total loss as long as you know there is something you can get out of it.

I am scaring myself everyday now. From the moment I wake up. I've chosen a career path that I never thought I would. I am trying to build something out of nothing. I spend many waking moments thinking about whats the best way to go about doing it. I ask my Father and Brothers and every other experienced acquaintance for advice every time the opportunity comes up. And I usually get a hard time for doing so - especially from my family. And thats something I have to deal with. It won't stop me from asking - because the truth of the matter is I'm not sure of what I'm doing. But that won't stop me from doing the best I can.


On another note:

Rose Rose I love you!

And I just scared myself even more yesterday, when I made another choice. I took up an offer to be apart of the ensemble of a musical due to be staged in November. The next 2 months I'll be focusing my energies into trying to build a company and rehearsals / performing.

I'm already scaring myself with my first choice. Why would I want to scare myself even more right? But I guess I'm just a gutsy fool. I'm cool like that.

Thats it for now. I'm out.

P/s: Wear Sunscreen.